


Everything.

by kingfauna



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Mentions of suicide attempt, also mention of abuse, based off of an RP, good ending, mentions of suicide (minor character), precious babies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-13
Updated: 2015-07-13
Packaged: 2018-04-09 04:15:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4333488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kingfauna/pseuds/kingfauna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You never thanked the existence of a person more than you had thanked his. He was everything to you and more. He was that sweet something you yearned for. He was the only one who had ever given you a reason to keep going when things had gotten grim and the dullness of reality was the only matter helping you wake up every morning. Sollux Captor had been your only relief.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Everything.

**Author's Note:**

> this is a lil gift for herosaveme.tumblr.com aka my partner for this rp ; m ; I just wrote a lil fic based off of it  
> you can also read it here on tumblr:  
> http://dualscarampora.tumblr.com/post/123987210339  
> pssst also: sorry for any typos/errors you might find!! wrote this on mobile and had two hours of sleep q w q

You never thanked the existence of a person more than you had thanked his. He was everything to you and more. He was that sweet something you yearned for. He was the only one who had ever given you a reason to keep going when things had gotten grim and the dullness of reality was the only matter helping you wake up every morning. Sollux Captor had been your only relief. Your escape. The only person you could confide your emotions in. Because you had learned to hide your emotions to the public eye. You'd been told endlessly to be a man. And so you had tried. A greater part of you always knew how sickening it was to bottle up those feelings; to never let them out. But a part of you could never betray the man who had raised you.

It was that fear of being a bigger failure than you'd already been that was weighing you down like no other. You were to be his ideal boy--his everything. Your brother was dead weight to him. He was lazy, he was sleazy, to your father, he was filth. Your brother would only corrupt the family name, he would tell you.  
He spent his every day trying to craft you into the perfect heir to the family company. No matter how much it hurt you in the end; no matter how much he tore you apart just to stitch you up with new pieces that were foreign to you; no matter how loud he yelled or how hard he hit, he could never make you into what he wanted you to be.  
You may as well have been just as useless to him as your brother.

You didn't feel beat anymore. And you certainly didn't feel the same pride in your family name as you had when you were younger. You didn't look up to this bastard like you did years upon years ago. He practically withheld you from the outside world. He corrupted and manipulated you in ways that were drastic, but that at the time, you hadn't seen. Not til now, at least.  
You didn't know what he was doing to you. All you knew was you were miserable.  
You know now what he had done to you. You were his puppet. You weren't a generic walmart-esque puppet, either. You were geared with every fucking string possible, so he could control every part of you.

You remember meeting the man of your dreams, and you were thankful your father didn't have a clue about his existence. If there was one thing he hated most, and often denied about you, was any inkling that you were Queer or any sort. Sexuality-wise and gender identity-wise. So you never thought much more on it. At least not out loud. It was a hindrance to your father's idealistics.  
But this man that you had merely met once upon a time over a runescape forum was everything to you. Mind you, your first few attempts at communication had fallen flat, in which he promptly blocked you for the next few months until you'd both moved on from the place. And over what? Over a font you had used that irked him, and that you'd continued to use to spite him. Only because he was good at the game and so were you, and naturally, you wanted to be the better of the two.

It was only by sheer luck that you had met him again in a group call with your friends, while you all played party mode of some dungeon game. There were voices you didn't recognize, some obnoxious and some quieter than others, and you had especially not recognized his. But it was so.. obscure? and the words that came out of his mouth only reminded you of the piece of shit you talked to on those forums, however long ago.  
And it was only later that you, by whatever misfortune, discovered that he WAS the same person.  
You still didn't like him.  
He hadn't changed since.

Or so you thought.  
You were solidly convinced that this man, who's name you had come to know as Sollux (but you called him Sol for short. At first, to spite him, but it stuck after a while and neither of you really cared anymore because the child's play was wearing thin and you were both lacking the same venom as you had initially) was a pretentious fucking douchebag and that he incapable of feeling the slightest of emotion.  
Contrary to what you had believed, he felt emotion. Plenty. But just like you, he kept it in. He didn't parade his emotions around, hanging it on display for the world to see. He concieved a front; a strong, snarky front. He wasn't much different from you, in the end.

For months, you continued to play the game. Even when most of your friends found better games or newer hobbies, the two of you still played. And dominated.  
You don't remember what had convinced you. Perhaps your emotions were finally at their maximum containing capacity; finally ready to spill and someone needed to pick it all up. Or perhaps you had actually trusted him. But you told him everything. Almost. You saved some more personal details to yourself, but you told him what bothered you. What was still bothering you every passing second, when your mind wasn't clear and you weren't solely focusing on his voice and the game. You told him what haunted your thoughts. You told him you'd tried to kill yourself once, maybe twice. You told him your mom killed herself; that your dad was abusive both mentally (mostly) and physically. You went on and it felt none other than amazing. Years worth of tears were finally coming out. Your father wasn't home that day. He had a business trip, as he often had, so you finally weren't afraid at all to tell someone what you really felt.

But more importantly, he was listening.

For hours, he listened to you.

He had become the only soul you would tell. He had become the one friend you would confide in.

And it wasn't long before you yourself stopped denying your sexuality. You knew wholeheartedly you wanted this man. He lived hours away, but you /wanted/ him. Emotionally, physically.. but you couldn't have him.  
You often tore yourself up over it. Not only because you were solidly convinced you would never be a valid candidate in his books, but also because your father would kill you if he knew. And you weren't sure either if he meant it metaphorically or literally.

You remember contemplating telling him. But that was one thing you kept to yourself. You were afraid to tell him. You weren't even sure he could swing that way and if he didn't, would he ridicule you if he knew? You couldn't lose someone who meant so much to you. You'd become strangely dependant on the ability to vent to him, that to have that removed would only mean terrible, terrible things for your mental state.

As time rolled by, the two of you met up. Only as friends, but still better than nothing, you thought. Although a part of you would always hold on to the thought of something more. You hoped with bittersweet desparation for something you could never get.

Visit after visit, you both started to consider living together. There was no romantic attachment you longed for. Only your best friend providing to shelter from the horrors back home. You took the offer in a heartbeat. 

Whether it was for that burning desire you had for this man only two years older than you, or because you truly did need to leave the toxicity of the Ampora house. Or perhaps both. You moved in.

You were old enough to leave and the day came after dreading every other day til that point, and you'd left without rewarding your father with your destination. You didn't care. And he didn't deserve to know.

Sollux made you feel safer than your father ever did.

And it's funny, how if at any time you would have given up on that inkling of hope, you wouldn't be here.  
Years later, and you wouldn't be locked in his embrace. You wouldn't know how sweet his kisses were. You wouldn't know what it felt like to be loved.  
No one cared for you like he did.

He was everything to you.  
And you were thankful he existed.

**Author's Note:**

> also for anyone wondering!! yes theyre v happy together. everything is a-okay they're giant gaming nerd babies. also eridan's happily transitioned to a woman c: and sollux is a+ supportive boyfriend


End file.
